I suddenly woke up and after a few years I finally have been able to put into words why I cut him out of my life. It’s funny how random dreams are not so random. I think my subconscious was thinking about or trying to deal with it. I have no clue Back to the point though; I cut him off not because I had had feelings for him and he rejected me; he had done that long ago and I still wanted to continue to be his friend I had become his confidant, even their relationship counselor.
It’s one of those instances in which you realize you are giving too much into the friendship and you’re not getting enough back. In my case I wasn’t getting anything back. It’s not that you’re in a friendship for the give and take but shit if you’re going to give some of yourself it’s nice to get something back if you’re not getting anything back then what’s the point of the friendship? How are you helping each other? How do you grow?
What had brought us together had become a minimal part of both of our lives and distance had made our dynamic harder. It seemed like I had been replaced but unfortunately for me I had no one to replace him with (not for lack of trying).
I finally realized why his words hurt so much even though I knew we had grown apart. I had come to terms with the fact that he was with someone else and, with all honesty, I no longer had those type of feelings for him. I just wanted to be friends. I just needed my friend.
He has been one of the only people who I have genuinely loved and given my all to (not in a relationship wise but friendship wise, the other being the person who I consider my sister and love dearly <3 ) but most importantly as being one of the people I loved the most he was not there when I needed him the most.
He was selfish and egocentric and I don’t know if it was lack of emotional maturity but he took the things I did and said at face value and did not look past them to see the root of the real problem. My sister did. At that point in my life “being in love” was the last thing on my mind. I had graduated 2 years before and I was still working a shitty a job. My mom and I had spent $40,000+ on tuition and books and I had no way of knowing if I was going to be able to 1. Work in my field 2. Stay in the US with my family. I lived in a tiny room which I shared with my mom and we slept in bunker beds. We lived with my aunt but we don’t like invading others’ spaces so I was limited to being in my room Food was kind of a problem since we had limited space and time to cook….all of this hurt and was driving me insane…I was depressed!! I felt alone! and no one really understood me. It was sad to think or get the feeling that people were getting annoyed/fed up with me posting about being depressed…but no one was really taking the time to talk to me to ask me how I was doing (not once did I ever hear that from him even though I would check up on him and how his relationship was doing since it had been so turbulent and I had to mediate a couple of times)
I knew no one could fix the problem but dammit you could at least put effort into seeing if i was emotionally and mentally ok. The worst part of it all was actually hearing it from someone who I thought loved me and would understand me. “I’m tired of your feelings” that’s what he said to me and I know he meant the feelings I had once had for him but he didn’t even give me the time to explain that “hey asshole my posts are not all about you, in fact most of them have nothing to do with you! have you seen how shitty my life is at the moment? do you really think I’d be concerned with whether you love me or not when I know you like dudes and I have so many other things to worry about like the fact that I didn’t even have a place of my own?” I would have liked to know if he even knew what I did for a living, if he even knew where and how I lived. It’s so sad that it makes me laugh how absurd it was to think this person cared at all about me when in fact he knew very little about me.
It’s sad to think how much I had been there for him and he couldn’t even be there for me at that time. I don’t know what led to the sudden change in which he didn’t even acknowledge the fact that I was sitting on his couch with his sister and just walked into his room acting like we weren’t there. I have this theory that someone got into his head and that he legit thought all my posts were about him (that makes me giggle a little because how fucking egotistical do you have to be? Hello!! My tumblr posts were tagged “things I like, quotes I like” and my posts on FB were mostly about being angry/sad at my mom who I was taking my anger out about the root of the problem, the fact that I had, at that moment, a shitty life)
Bottom line is he wasn’t there when I needed him the most; I don’t want him in my life at all. Damn it took 3 years to come up with that, In the words of Iggy Azaela ”and if you wasn’t here when i was down then you won’t be here when I’m up”